Sugar Letdown

When I anticipate a new experience that I'm pretty sure will be unpleasant, I build it up as horrible in my mind.  I imagine worst case scenarios to protect myself from whatever is coming.  I don't do this deliberately, although it seems to serve me well- a defense mechanism of sorts.  Child birth, public speaking, giving up processed sugar for 48 days are only a few of the occasions I seem to use this tactic for.

I thought giving up sugar would be excruciating.  I imagined constant cravings, drop-down drag-out fights between the little (c'mon, we all have them) voices in my head and the real possibility that I would cave and fail.  It wasn't that bad.  At all.  I had cravings, but they didn't become intense until the end because I was building things up in my mind in the opposite direction for a change.  I was expecting this cathartic experience the first time I popped a piece of chocolate in my mouth and I couldn't wait.

The one thing that was as hard as I imagined was not participating in the social aspect of eating desserts and sweets.  It wasn't the sweet that I wanted as much as I wanted to join in.  To hum and fuss over the sugary desserts and treats with everyone else.  But no, I sat there awkwardly, trying to smile and tell everyone it was okay as they apologized eating in front of me.  I got used to that as time went on, but it hasn't become easy yet.

That is why I was happy to participate in dessert again on Easter Sunday.  The actual sweets?  They were delicious- no doubt about it.  But the experience of eating sweets again did not live up to my expectations and confirmed what I learned during Lent.  I don't need sweets.  I can live without them.  I was just as surprised as you are.

I tried a little experiment.  I wondered if I allowed myself the freedom to eat the leftover sweets in the house if I would have an increase in control over myself, considering I had just spent 48 days in control.  How did it go?  I'm just going to come out and say it.  I suck (pardon my language, please) at displaying control when it comes to sweets if I leave things open-ended for myself.  I don't know why that is, but I have embarrassed myself with my behavior (once again) and it just solidified what I expected. 

I can't do sugar on a regular basis.

So, I'm going back on the sugar-free wagon (as of yesterday). I will be allowing myself natural sugars (mainlt honey) and a day here and a day there of processed treats- on birthdays (not just anyone's birthday, mind you), Thanksgiving, a few days right over Christmas, if I ever get back to one of those fondue restaurants and the few times we make homemade ice cream over the summer.

I don't want to be fanatical.  I want to follow a plan I can sustain.  I want to be good to my body.  I want the intelligent parts of my brain to make the decisions from now on instead of the areas that seem to have one thing in mind always- sweets.

I'm still collecting natural sugar recipes (Thank you, Aunt Anna- I did get yours!) and will be sharing the winners over the next few months as I try them out.  I'm almost through Sugar Blues by William Duffy and will share my thoughts on that doozy-of-a-book as well.

So that's where I am.  Where are you?