2020

 What can be said about this year that hasn't already been said or thought? It hurts my head just to try to form coherent thoughts about this past year. But I'll try to share an update on life because I *do* still think of this wonderful community which was such a large part of my life for years.  At a time of year when we send out letters and Christmas cards- updating friends and family- I want to update you as well.  Here we go.

~ While MANY have suffered so many losses this year, we are thankful to have had consistent employment (for Jamey, I'm still home full time) and good health.  Thanks to masking and distancing, we haven't had as much as a cold.  This is a luxury (the ability to stay distanced and safe) and it is not lost on us.

~ My health has remained stable.  I still get regular scans to check for issues (dissections, aneurysms, etc.) and so far nothing is pressing enough to take action. I'm still on medication, carry emergency meds with me and I rarely (never?) stray out of cell phone range or too far from a hospital.  While this sounds tragic, I'm used to it and am not as fearful as I used to be.  I'm just thankful for every day.

~ We still have chickens- 11 to be exact. In the spring, we welcomed our first goats- two LaMancha does- Dixie and Gypsy.  We were going to breed them this fall but have decided to wait until next spring.  The girls are excited to milk them and make cheese.  They are beautiful, affectionate creatures.

~ We continue to garden.  In fact, this fall Jamey enlarged it in anticipation of stepping up our garden game again after a few years of growing less and supporting friends who have a CSA.  With my parents help (weeding and processing) and the potential for me to help more (as our youngest needs less constant supervision) we look forward to getting back into growing more ourselves.

~ What school looks like for our family continues to change.  Sam is attending his second year at a private school and has college plans for next fall- yes, he will be graduating spring of 2021.  My baby.  Don't get me started.  Sadie is still homeschooling (9th).  Miriam started 6th at the private school this fall.  Because of their small numbers and ability to distance, Sam and Miriam were able to attend in person for most of the fall.  David will head off to the same school for kindergarten next year.  He just turned five. How is that possible? 

This will leave me with only *one* child at home next year.  Tears are welling up as I type this.  It is for the best- for them and for me- and I am SO grateful for all the years of teaching them at home...AND knowing that we can homeschool again if we ever need to.  I am also so incredibly thankful for schooling options and for being able to listen to our kids and my health needs...again, not lost on us.

I have experienced a lot of guilt this year...guilt over so many others experiencing all manner of struggles and losses.  I often feel this but 2020 has bumped it up notch after notch. Don't get me wrong, I thank God for every good thing.  

But I grieve with and for those who have lost loved ones, lost jobs, worry about mortgages, rent, electricity, physical safety...those whose relationships are strained because of the stress of it all, the differences of opinion over politics and COVID precautions and the unknown...those who have been sick, have had to quarantine, are still suffering from symptoms months later...those who are doing online school with their children (and it's not going well), those who are home with their kids (some who may be much more challenging than others) all. the. time...the list goes on and on.  

One of the biggest lessons I learned after my heart attack was the importance of allowing myself to grieve.  We often try so hard to hold it all together- especially for our families.  We want them not to be scared or worried so we put on a brave face. But we forget to let it out and have a good cry in our closet or into our pillow at night.  We just shove it all in and down and this is not healthy.  We need to release it- cry it out, give it to God.  Be thankful in one breath and shed tears with the next. You are not alone. 

Thanks for re-connecting here in this little corner of the internet. I still think of you often and hope, for all our sakes, that this next year will bring a little more stability, less fear, more peace and more hope.

Merry Christmas, dear ones.

Blessings,

Jane

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